The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie

Since The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge out of Water will be coming to theaters this week, I feel it's only fair that I review the original SpongeBob movie from 2004.

THE OPINIONS, THOUGHTS AND MUSINGS IN THIS BLOG POST ARE SOLELY THOSE OF ZACK WANZER, AND NO ONE ELSE'S

(all images taken from the SpongeBob SquarePants wikia)

Back in 1999, Stephen Hillenburg introduced to the world a yellow, anthropomorphic square sponge living in a pineapple under the sea. This little guy was called SpongeBob SquarePants, and he was introduced along with his best friend Patrick, his grumpy next-door neighbor Squidward, his greedy but (then) caring boss Eugene Krabs and his business rival Plankton, his squirrel friend Sandy Cheeks, and his pet snail Gary. The show was successful because of its zany humor and slapstick while telling coherent stories, but nowadays, the show is on life support, but that could change. Before it went badly wrong, we were given what was supposed to be SpongeBob's last adventure... his own movie.

Written by Derek Drymon, Tim Hill, Stephen Hillenburg, Kent Osborne, Aaron Springer, and Paul Tibbitt
Produced by Stephen Hillenburg and Julia Pistor

Directed by Stephen Hillenburg

Released November 19, 2004

The beginning of the movie features live action pirates, one of them bringing in a treasure chest on a rowboat. Once hoisted onto the ship, the chest contains tickets to the SpongeBob movie (yep, it's a movie within a movie), and the pirates sing their version of the theme song; upon arriving at the theater, they make a big mess because... they're pirates, I guess. They're supposed to be messy. I find it odd that they used a pirate crew and not Patchy and Potty the parrot, but never mind. Just to make you aware; there's the difference between a flaw that messes up the whole story, and a teensy issue that causes a little bit of a distraction. I'm saying this just so I don't go into rant mode as we go along with the movie.

The SpongeBob movie proper begins at the Krusty Krab where a customer has taken a bite out of a Krabby Patty, but with one problem - no cheese! SpongeBob is called in to save the day, and he does, being called manager by the cheering crowd. In real life, it's all a dream. This morning, SpongeBob is excited because today is the grand opening for the Krusty Krab 2, and he hopes that Mr. Krabs will promote him as the manager. At the ceremony, Squidward is chosen as the manager, because he's more mature than SpongeBob who, as Mr. Krabs puts it, is just a kid. A disappointed SpongeBob walks away sadly, and is still crying at Goofy Goober's Ice Cream Party Boat. There, Patrick is given a Triple Gooberberry Sunrise as dessert, and SpongeBob asks for one as well, hoping to cheer him up. It does, but he and Patrick eat one Sunrise too many and get drunk.

So far, I really felt for SpongeBob; hope when he's excited for getting a promotion, but sorrow when he doesn't get the job. He put his hopes up when he shouldn't have, and later shows resentment toward his manager. Huh, I wonder why he doesn't do so in post-movie episodes?

Meanwhile, Plankton is frustrated that he STILL hasn't managed to steal the Krabby Patty formula, having gone through plans A to Y, but then Karen points out that he hasn't attempted Plan Z. Stealing King Neptune's crown is involved, and so is blaming it on Mr. Krabs. Speaking of Neptune, he's about to arrest the royal crown polisher just for touching the king's crown (kind of petty, I know), but his daughter Mindy lets the crown polisher go, much to her father's annoyance, and he tells her that when she's ruler of the sea, she'll have to rule with an iron fist. During their conversation, Plankton steals the crown, much to Neptune's horror.

The following morning, King Neptune accuses Mr. Krabs for stealing the crown, and is further enraged when he discovers it's in Shell City. A drunken SpongeBob comes in and after praising Mr. Krabs, he chews him out for not giving him the promotion, insists that he's a man, and blows a raspberry to him. SpongeBob sobers up when Mr. Krabs is set alight by Neptune, and even if he's angry at his boss, (who else will give him the paycheck he needs to live?) SpongeBob offers to find Neptune's crown to save Mr. Krabs' life. Neptune initially refuses, but when Mindy intervenes, he agrees, and gives SpongeBob six days to find the crown (originally ten before Patrick intervened) and in the time frame, Mr. Krabs is frozen so he doesn't escape.

Out of the characters in the film, I think my personal favorite has to be Princess Mindy; she is such a strong female role model, and a big influence on SpongeBob and Patrick's journey to finding the crown. Yes, her mermaid magic was fake, but if she had to lie just to encourage SpongeBob and Patrick to finish their quest, then so be it.

Speaking of whom, SpongeBob and Patrick set off on the Krusty Krab 2's Patty Wagon and meet up with two hillbilly gas attendants, who mock the "kids" by saying they wouldn't last ten seconds over the county line. After their car is stolen, SpongeBob and Patrick have the last laugh after lasting TWELVE seconds over the county line, and they carry on by foot. They end up at the Thug Tug, and after playing with bubbles in the bathroom, SpongeBob and Patrick just barely avoid singing the Goofy Goober theme song and escape with the key.

Back in Bikini Bottom, Plankton steals the Krabby Patty formula without Krabs' interference and is able to sell Krabby Patties, and gives each customer a Chum Bucket Bucket Helmet. When Squidward finds out about Plankton's plan, the little one-eyed crustacean activates the helmets, enslaving his customers and sends them to attack Squidward. As for SpongeBob and Patrick? Plankton has sent in a hitman named Dennis to exterminate them in case they make it back in one piece. On his way to hunt down our heroes, Dennis comes across the gas attendants (whose lips he tears off their faces) and the thugs (whose leader he punches so hard in the jaw that his socks are knocked off and the Thug Tug is destroyed). I wonder what happened to them afterward?

Dennis intrigues me; what's his story? Where did he come from? How did Plankton meet with him without getting squished, I wonder? I guess that's open to interpretation.

Meanwhile, SpongeBob and Patrick end up a deserted part of the ocean and encounter what appears to be... an ice cream stand? Something's not right here... Yep, definitely not right, especially when SpongeBob gets stuck on the bowl of ice cream, and the lady is part of a frogfish! He manages to escape, and Patrick drives the Patty Wagon away with the frogfish giving chase. Hopefully next time they go for ice cream, they'll be a little more cautious. They manage to escape, but their car is eaten by the frogfish... which is also eaten by an giant eel.

Out of disappointment, SpongeBob decides to go home, understanding that he and Patrick are just kids, but Mindy shows up and shows them the state of Bikini Bottom, now under Plankton's rule. Believing their town is doomed, SpongeBob and Patrick begin crying hysterically, but Mindy promises to turn them into men, much to their joy. She gives them false mustaches made from seaweed, and with their confidence restored, SpongeBob and Patrick fall down the trench, only to survive by pure luck when a branch slows their fall. Believing they're invincible, SpongeBob and Patrick sing about how they're men (interesting fact; the music used was also utilized for The Great Snail Race) and make friends with the monsters who help make it to Shell City.

On their final leg of their quest, SpongeBob and Patrick are confronted by Dennis, who reveals that their mustaches are fake and is just about to kill them by stomping on them with spikes on his boot, only to get crushed by a bigger boot... the boot of the Cyclops that Mindy warned them about (really, a guy in an old-timey diver's suit). Terrified, SpongeBob and Patrick try to escape, only for the Cyclops to grab them and bring them to the surface and place them in a fishbowl.

Alright, now the next part of the review may depress some readers; if you don't want depression, then close the tab now. If you want to continue reading to see the rest of my thoughts, don't say I didn't warn you.

In the bowl, SpongeBob and Patrick discover that the Cyclops is killing fish and selling them as knick knacks, and find out they're next on his list when he places them on a drying rack. Just as they feel they've given up, Patrick shows SpongeBob that a sign reading Shell City, which is a gift shop, and they discover Neptune's crown; they succeeded after all. For the last time, they sing the Goofy Goober theme song one last time before dying... or do they? Their last tear shorts out the lamp, and the smoke activates the water faucets, bringing SpongeBob and Patrick back to life.

That's definitely the most emotional scene in the movie; SpongeBob and Patrick singing for the last time before drying up to death really brought tears to my eyes (I never thought I'd say it in any review) and I'm sure it does for anyone watching it. But when the tear shorts out the lamp and the smoke hits the faucets, there's joy once more when our heroes are re-hydrated, and so are the fish the Cyclops killed, and they attack him.

Okay, depressing moments are over. You can put away the tissues now.

Back to the story at hand, SpongeBob and Patrick prepare to return to Bikini Bottom with the crown on the bag of winds Mindy gave them earlier, but Patrick loses it by mistake. When all seems lost, David Hasselhoff "The Hoff" shows up with a surfboard and gives them a lift back to Bikini Bottom. On the way, one of the Cyclops' boots shows up, revealing Dennis has unfinished business with SpongeBob and Patrick. Before he can finally finish the job, he's hit by a sailboat and is never seen again.

This isn't the scene in question; it was the closest image to said scene I could use.

At the Krusty Krab 2, Neptune is prepared to execute Mr. Krabs with Plankton enjoying the show, but Mindy butts in at the last second, suggesting that her father give SpongeBob and Patrick enough time, and her stalling gives them the time they need to save Mr. Krabs just in time after The Hoff launches them from his chest.

Neptune is delighted to have his crown back, and Mindy hugs SpongeBob and Patrick in joy (and yes, I'm aware Patrick has a crush on Mindy). However, Plankton is unimpressed, and puts Neptune under his control. Before he, Patrick and Mindy can get attacked by Plankton's army, SpongeBob tells everyone about all that he'd learned in the past six days, and five and a half minutes - you are who you are, and no amount of mermaid magic or managerial promotion can make him anything more than what he really is... a kid. He picks up a microphone, and admits that he's not just a kid, but also a goofball, a wingnut, and a Knucklehead McSpazzatron, but most of all (and this is my favorite scene of the movie) he's a Goofy Goober.

Rocking to a parody of Twisted Sister's I Wanna Rock, SpongeBob (with the power of rock and roll) destroys the helmets and frees everyone, including Neptune. Realizing he's without power, (especially with Karen being carried by the crowd) Plankton tries to leave, only to get stepped on, and is later arrested. (The Institution for the Criminally Tiny? This I gotta see!) Mr. Krabs is also unfrozen, and he gives SpongeBob the position of manager after all (even Squidward agrees to it), much to SpongeBob's delight. As for the pirates, well, they're asked to leave the theater. That's it.

Overall, I think this movie would've been a great way to end the series, but it wasn't the case since after renewal, the show went backwards and we were given episodes like To Love a Patty, One Coarse Meal, The Splinter, Smoothe Jazz at Bikini Bottom, Little Yellow Book, and especially A Pal for Gary and it's little brother Pet Sitter Pat. With Stephen Hillenburg returning to his show for season ten, hopefully he'll fix the show he created and left. Like the old saying goes, if it ain't broke, you don't fix it. The movie, still, is fantastic, and it has everything; the characterization, the story, the emotions, the humor, the morals, very much the whole shebang. It isn't perfect, but then, no movie is. I feel the movie deserves a very solid 9/10 rating from me, and to end this review, how's about a screenshot of a happy SpongeBob?

Enjoy it while you can, Spongey - Casey Alexander and Zeus Cervas are heading in your direction!