Here's part two!
THE OPINIONS, THOUGHTS AND MUSINGS IN THIS BLOG POST ARE SOLELY THOSE OF ZACK WANZER, AS WELL AS THOSE FEATURED, NOT THE THOMAS FANDOM IN GENERAL
16. The Man in the Hills
Season 12, Episode 16
Written by Sharon Miller
Review by Zack Wanzer and TobyandMavisforever
Now, before we begin this review, The Man in the Hills was intended to be part of the Top 10 Worst Narrow Gauge Episodes list, but I felt I had enough season 12 episodes on said list, and I held it back to this list. I'm not reviewing this alone; no, I'm reviewing it with Rachel, aka TobyandMavisforever.Rachel: Hello guys. Speaking on the Railfan [Brony] blog with Zack, aka Shimming Sparkles today.
Zack: Eeyup. Now let's begin!
Typical introduction; then we get Thomas chuffing into the wharf where the narrow gauge engines are. And guess what? Today's the Thin Controller's birthday.
Rachel: The Skarloey engines (Bar Peter Sam who is surprisingly absent) are all bringing things to the party; decorations, banners, balloons, flowers... wait, aren't banners and balloons decorations too?
Zack: Well, I suppose they are decorations, but you know what's even more puzzling? Sir Handel saying he's going to tell the story of a man in the hills. Seriously, this should've gone to Skarloey and/or Rheneas, or maybe even Duke (if he appeared).
Rachel: That's a good point. Part of me is saying Sir Handel has memorised these stories from when Duke told him in the past, but the series has gone so out of whack lately that I can't really pin-point anything. And I'm usually good at these headcanons.
Zack: So Thomas decides to go and find the Man in the Hills and Freddie offers to help, knowing the hills better than anyone else (there's older engines than you, Freddie!), but Thomas declines his offer. The ninny...
Rachel: Indeed. Then, Thomas leaves the flatbed and tells the SkR engines not to leave for the party without him. (Where will the party be exactly? Thomas, not all of the track on the SkR meets up with the NWR tracks) And we get the rhyme for this episode. Seriously? When exactly did Thomas and Friends become Dr. Suesse?
Zack: What, you don't remember little moments in season nine? Yes, they didn't appear too much, but it was a warning sign...
Rachel: Oh yeah... that kinda makes sense. I guess it went to the writers' heads too much. Who wrote this anyway... (Sees who did it) Uh... Sharon Miller...
Zack: Thomas sees a man dressed in white and thinks that he's the Man in the Hills (where's the crew?) and so he brings him back to the wharf, only to find out that it's the dairy man. Insert Skarloey and Rheneas laughing at him. Yep, totally out of character, and considering Push Me, Pull You... yeah.
Rachel: Then, Thomas leaves the dairy man on the platform (You'd think taking him back to the dairy would be better), and heads to the mill. There he finds another man in white and takes him back to the transfer yards. (Somehow, Duncan appears again, out of nowhere.)
Zack: Turns out it's the miller. No, not Sharon Miller - I mean the man who works at a flour mill.
Rachel: Now, the miller and the dairy man get worried about not being about to make the cake or the icecream, and the little engines are now upset at Thomas for bringing them to the transfer yards in the first place. (And, how did Sir Handel get back there? No, scratch that, why didn't you lot do your own jobs in the... uh! What question am I meant to be asking?)
Zack: I don't know either, but Thomas soon returns the dairy man and the miller to their respective locations (on a sidenote; how did the dairy man's suit stay white?) and he picks up the cake, not in a van.
Rachel: Thomas then meets up with Freddie at the junction, and Thomas asks Freddie for a shortcut. (Like I said, not all tracks on your railway, Thomas, meet up with the tracks on the SkR)
Zack: After following Freddie... somehow, he and Thomas arrive at another junction and find the white silhouette of a man. Wait a minute... Five minutes earlier, it was said no one had seen the Man in the Hills, and yet railway tracks run next to it?!
Rachel: I know. Continuity in a series is one thing, but writers, at least try to keep constant in the story your telling! Anyway, Thomas tells Freddie to gather the engines at the sight. The episode concludes with everyone (Peter Sam included, Rusty gone missing for one reason or another), at the party and hearing Sir Handel's story about the man in the hills (again, poor choice of characters)
Zack: And that was The Man in the Hills - an episode with absolutely no point to it whatsoever. Just to recap, it was dull, repetitive, and another of the worst episodes out of season 12. What was the point of the episode in the first place? (If anyone can answer that, I'd love to see what they can come up with.)
Rachel: I agree 100% Zack. It's a shame too, because I look forward to the episodes staring the little engines. And no, it's not just a girl with a crush on one of them talking. And, I feel that the engines doing a party for their controller's birthday is a sweet idea, but the writers took the wrong angle. If say, the engines were trying to make a surprise party for the thin controller while their drivers distracted him or something, the episode may have worked. It might have been cliched a little bit, but if the writers knew what they were doing, I'd be good with that.
Zack: But instead, they give us nothing. However, there's worse to come down the line...
Rating: 1.5 out of 10
15. Thomas and the Golden Eagle
Season 9, Episode 24
Written by Abi Grant
Review by Zack Wanzer
In the words of Duncan: "Typical!" There's more important things to do than to look for a bird no one is interested in! Except maybe a birdwatcher, but you know, nobody important. The eagles looked brilliantly crafted, but that was it. Nothing of substance really happens. Moving on...
14. Thomas Sets Sail
Season 11, Episode 12
Written by Sharon Miller
Review by Christopher Bouchard
This episode starts with an intro that shows how windy it is in a few second timeframe and shifts over to our starbilling boiler arriving at Brendam Docks. He explains that he has to take a sailing boat to the mayor's launch party. James gives a stupid reason as to why he should pull the wellwagon with the boat, and then Gordon does the same.After Cranky lowers the boat onto the wellwagon, he tells Thomas to wait for the engineer so the mast can be lowered, but Thomas sets off because potatoes.
Thomas pulls the boat along the line, and he stops later on when he meets Emily. After Thomas basically orders Emily to gawk at the boat -- spoilers: she does -- he sets off again.
As Thomas passes Elizabeth at a level crossing, Elizabeth warns Thomas to be careful with the boat, but Thomas feels he is too important to take any notice.
Thomas, what are you smoking?! Elizabeth is right; if you are going to not wait for the engineer and set off from the docks, you need to be careful!
Thomas nears a low bridge, and Rosie warns him to "watch out." Thomas stops just in time, showing off yet another cliché from the Barlow/Miller era.
Thomas, why are you being so rude? You ignored Elizabeth when she gave the warning, yet when Rosie basically dishes out the same warning, you listen. I guess his racist attitude of the Barlow/Miller era extended to steam-powered road vehicles as well.
Thomas takes a different route: one that goes through a huge mass of trees. It isn't a surprise when the mast gets caught in the leaves of one of them.
Thomas pulls hard until he breaks free. He doesn't know that the sails have unfolded...because the plot demands it.
This can only end so well (obvious sarcasm is obvious.)
The wind fills the sails, pushing Thomas along. Molly warns the blue engine to be careful, but Thomas doesn't hear her.
As Thomas approaches the launch party, Sir Topham Hatt/The Fat Controller tells him to slow down, but due to not being able to -- you can guess why, good viewers -- Thomas races past.
When he is a good distance away from the launch party, Thomas is finally able to stop because the wind dies down.
After he states the obvious, someone uncouples him, and Thomas goes back to the docks.
When Thomas arrives, Salty tells him that the engineer has arrived. The engineer boards the cab of our starbiller, who then takes him to the wellwagons with the boat.
The engineer rolls the sails and ties the mast down. Thomas then takes the boat back to the harbor, where everyone is pleased to see Thomas. The boat slides into the sea, and Thomas is glad to be Really Useful.
Extra Thoughts from Zack Wanzer
Oy... three godawful episodes in a row in season 11?! (I'm getting to that other one soon enough.) You know, I had completely missed Thomas ignoring Elizabeth first time around, and many subsequent (if any) viewings of this mess. Although I liked seeing Molly, it does not factor into my rating - if the story has flaws, then I don't care if one of my favorite characters appeared in it or not.
Christopher Bouchard's Rating: 3 out of 10
The Railfan Brony Blog Rating: 1 out of 10
And you know what? Three seasons later, Sharon Miller wrote a rip-off of this episode as the season premiere of 14! For some reason, this is the midway point of the list. I think I'll let Christopher do the talking here...
13. Thomas' Tall Friend
Season 14, Episode 1
Written by Sharon Miller
Written by Sharon Miller
Review by Christopher Bouchard
This episode starts with a cliché intro that basically explains that there are lots of places to visit. It also tells us that on this "special day" (hur-dee-dur), an animal park is being opened.
And now, lazy shoehorning of Thomas? You got it! In all seriousness, there are several other small engines that could have filled Thomas' role, but nope! Gotta show dem kids teh Tamas!!
So now that we're at the Docks, Edward, Percy, and Gordon tell Thomas about their quote-unquote "special" jobs. Do I really need to elaborate more on why the "special" trope was terribly overused and brain-numbing back then and is still recognized as so now?
...
...
No? Didn't think so.
Thomas tells Edward and Percy about his job: taking a giraffe to the animal park.
Whoa! Hold it there, Miller. How do you expect a giraffe to travel on rail and not knock the cage off the flatbed? Animals can be more aggresive than the Miller-era episodes made them out to be.
Pointless gawking? Check!
Smart engines being puzzled by an animal's mere presence? Check-a-mundo, as they say in the business!
Stupid questions, the stupidest coming from the eldest and (supposedly) wisest engine? Bingo!
Cranky tells Thomas to wait for the giraffe keeper. Well, some sort of explanation for a giraffe traveling on rail safely is better than none, I guess.
Thomas races out of the Docks with the giraffe, by turning around through the magic of plot holes and setting off, without waiting for the giraffe's keeper.
Now where have I heard of something similar before? Oh, I remember. The model era episode "Thomas Sets Sail"! Great. Not only am I dealing with terrible writing, but now I must accept the fact that the plot is a rip-off!! *groan*
Anyhow, Thomas pulls the giraffe, and the children cheer for him. Hippity-FRICKIN'-ray!
Thomas slows down at a low bridge and tells the giraffe to sit down. It isn't a surprise when the giraffe disobeys.
Thomas stops, and Gordon is coming up behind him with the mayor and Sir Topham Hatt, known as The Fat Controller to you British people.
Gordon stops and says his catchphrase. Gordon then tells Thomas that he needs to go back for the animal keeper. Thomas doesn't listen.
*sigh*
Thomas, you are being so stupid that even blissfully unaware ponies like Derpy are facehoofing right now.
The blue idiot backs into a siding to let Gordon pass, and needless to say, he doesn't go back for the keeper after Gordon has gone.
Edward The Wimpy Engine puffs up with his freight car of apples.
Stupid idea from Thomas? Check!
Edward being puzzled about something he should know the repercussions of? Check-a-rooney!
Edward agreeing after Thomas explains why he had the idea despite knowing that he shouldn't go along with it? B-I-N-G-O!
Long story short, the giraffe eats a ton of the apples from Edward's freight car, and unsurprisingly, Thomas' idea fails.
Edward tells Thomas to go back for the keeper, but Thomas is so braindead in this episode that he still doesn't listen to what is the best course of action.
Edward sets off with what is left of the apples.
Percy The Moron Engine pulls up with his load of leaves.
After minimal convincing, Percy agrees to help Thomas with his stupid idea.
All of the leaves disappear due to the giraffe playing with them. Surprisingly, the big animal sits down and goes to sleep.
I sense more clichés up ahead.
Thomas, with the giraffe, and Percy, empty car of leaves in tow, finally arrive at the animal park.
Let's go through the list I made specifically for this scene, just to highlight all the clichés:
Controller and/or visitor angry? Check.
Epic fail on Thomas' part? You bet your shiny bunker "check"!
Thomas says what he should have done to begin with and will do now? Bullseye!
Moving on. Thomas goes back to the docks and picks up the giraffe keeper.
Thomas then drops off the keeper at the animal park and sets off.
Cliché recollection of goods? Check!
On a slight side note, how are the goods replenished so quickly? Do the people of Sodor have psychic powers or something?
Thomas brings more apples and leaves to the animal park, where he and the giraffe are greeted by the cliché cheers of the people there.
Then, after Thomas says another obvious thing about the giraffe -- obvious obviousness is obvious -- he gets his picture taken with the giraffe.
Extra Thoughts from Zack Wanzer
Never start a season off with a terrible episode. How have the engines not seen a giraffe before? Furthermore, the way the giraffe was transported was extremely dangerous. And why are there no alternate routes? Oh wait, there are no alternate routes on railways, I understand. But seriously, like Christopher says, "this is a sad reminder of how far Thomas fell during the Nitrogen era" and it's a terrible rip-off to Thomas Sets Sail above.
Christopher Bouchard's Rating: 0 out of 10
The Railfan Brony Blog Rating: 1 out of 10
12. Let it Snow
Season 15, Episode 10
Written by Sharon Miller
Review by Zack Wanzer
Out of season 15, Let it Snow was the only episode to actually make the cut. If I had actually included Wonky Whistle and Up, Up and Away in the list, they'd rank very high, but more on that later.This has always been something which bugged the hell out of me about this episode; Thomas wanting it to snow - really? I mean, considering past episodes like Thomas, Terence and the Snow, I thought he hated the white stuff (don't take that the wrong way) and the need to wear his snowplough! The song is just a rhyme, and it's a wintry rip-off to Happy Hiro - although, considering it's a Miller script... yeah. The scenery looked beautiful, but it's a shame it was wasted on abysmal writing. I'd imagine it the only way the series could go at the midpoint of season 15 was up, but sadly, it wasn't the case...
11. Smoke and Mirrors
Season 11, Episode 11
Written by Neil Richards
Review by Zack Wanzer
Aah! Good grief; it's the episode of elevens all around! Seriously - we're at #11 on the list, and it's the 11th episode of the 11th season of the show.Anyway, the episode's title pretty much sums the episode - a load of Smoke and Mirrors. Shouldn't Thomas' driver have been involved? But then, the crews were nonexistent in those days; they only appeared when the plot demanded for it. Elizabeth's face (when meeting with Thomas at Maithwaite) is pretty ugly, and the plot is just stupid. Although I quite like the magician's accent...
10. Thomas Toots the Crows
Season 16, Episode 8
Written by Dan and Nuria Wicksman
Review by Zack Wanzer
Terrible. You can tell a Barlow-era episode could be bad if animals are involved, and this episode confirmed my fears. Why would anyone use a locomotive to scare crows away from a field? They have work to do! Although Gordon's painted mustache was funny, it didn't save the episode from being utter crap. Not as horrendous as Wonky Whistle, but it's still a bad episode.
9. Don't Go Back
Season 12, Episode 14
Written by Simon Spencer
Review by Zack Wanzer
No surprise we get a totally pointless intro to start the episode. Thomas and Diesel are given the task to fill trucks with stone so Henry can pick them up later on. Diesel brags that he can fill his trucks first, so he offers Thomas a race to the hopper... but backwards. Later on, Thomas bumps into Diesel and gets covered in stone and dust, much to Diesel's amusement. Thomas then offers round two to the washdown.Mavis is having a washdown when Thomas bumps into her (don't take it the wrong way) and she comes off the rails, but Thomas doesn't notice. ("What a pillock!" - James May) Diesel then offers one more lap to see who's faster to the engine sheds. Unfortunately, they bump right into Arry and Bert and they go through the back wall. How are their faces so tiny?
Henry arrives, but his train isn't ready. The foreman scolds Thomas, but why didn't he scold Diesel as well? And why is he not making a huge fuss over the damaged wall?! Thomas then decides to finish the job he meant to start, and Henry can finally leave. Soon, Thomas helps Mavis, Arry and Bert back on the rails with Rocky and after he and Diesel clear away the rubble, they have one more race... this time, going forwards and both win.
I have a huge disliking towards that episode. Actions had no consequences, and they get away with everything! I would not recommend this episode for children.
8. Time for a Story
Season 13, Episode 9
Written by Miranda Larson
Review by Zack Wanzer
This is Miranda Larson's worst script; there are so many problems with the episode I can't list them all. I could say the same thing for every episode on the list, but meh. Books should be in vans, the crash is so bad it's not funny, and Thomas, as per expected, is an idiot! So much so that the moral is completely lost... The sooner these episodes are banned, the better.Join me very shortly as we head into what have got to be among the worst ever episodes of the show!
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